Kouchi na Uso
by sumeragi-san
Summary: What emotions run though your soul when you find out the last nine years have been a lie? SS Update: 9.1.2008
1. Hopelessness

**Kouchi na Uso (An Elaborate Lie)**  
Written by **Jeldi**  


**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Rating:** PG-13/R  
**Pairing:** S/S

This fic has spoilers up to volume 16 of X.  It also contains shounen-ai relationships (male/male relationships), so if that offends you, don't read any farther.

**Disclaimer:** We all know that these characters belong to CLAMP. And CLAMP, the gracious mangaka they are, even consent to us messing with the characters more so than they already are. 

**Kouchi na Uso – Chapter 1**

Lights from the Tokyo high-rises illuminated the night sky, creating a surreal parody of day.  Despite the damages the central area of Shinjuku had suffered from the supernatural tremors earlier in the year, the outlaying areas of the district had retained their lively nature.  Even from the far-removed vantage of his apartment's windows, he could still see the rubble and building skeletons that had marked the site of the battle for Shinjuku's kekkai.  Shifting his gaze to look out over the expanse of cityscape, Subaru recalled an exchange from his past, filling his heart with a pang of regret and sadness.

            _"But despite that I still love this Tokyo," Seishirou stated._

            _"Why is that?" Subaru questioned, turning his attention from his twin to the older man._

            _"It is because, in this world, it is the only city that walks "joyously" on a path toward_   
            _destruction," he replied, throwing an enigmatic smile over his shoulder toward the teenager._

Subaru sighed, his breath frosting the glass before him. How loaded a statement that had been.  Had Seishirou known about the city's fate in 1999? Subaru couldn't help but wonder at the older man's cryptic statement.  It had seemed out of place at the time, but he had never questioned it.  Now, with the Promised Day fast approaching, it was hard to believe that Seishirou had been referring to anything but the trials the metropolis faced for the fate of the world.

Shaking his head, Subaru looked back into the apartment, its shadowed features corresponding to his views on life.  The dull shades of grey had replaced the bright pure colors of his innocent childhood.  As a small child he was told that plants needed sunlight in order to survive, and that people needed human contact for the same reason.  If a plant was given no sunlight with which to grow, what of an individual that had no contact with others?  His emotions had curled up within himself like the leaves of a plant that had no nutrients.  

He caught his reflection in the full-length standing mirror, illumination from the window glinting across its metallic surface.  This mirror had replaced the one he had smashed in anger at seeing his sister's face staring back at him after she had died. Its newer design stood testament to the significant changes in his life.  The metallic glass reflected his spare form clothed in simple black jeans and T-shirt; it pointed out the hollowness in his cheeks and the bags under his eyes.  The last few weeks had not been kind to the Sumeragi.  Since that night beneath the lights of Rainbow Bridge, he had been haunted by images and half-spoken confessions. 

Shaking his head to clear his mind of that train of thought, Subaru looked out once more over the city he both loved and hated, and bid it a silent farewell.  This would be the last time he would look over the lights of Shinjuku.  Focusing on the task at hand, he pushed away from the glass of the window and walked over to face the ceremonial setup in the middle of the sitting room's hardwood floor. It was a low white clothed table with a circular mirror centered along its length.  Vases of herb sprigs and single unlit taper candles flanked each side of the mirror.  A narrow, half-meter long item set length-wise across the table's surface, wrapped in a purple and gold-embroidered cloth.  With the grace and surety of a Sumeragi clan onmyouji he settled before the table.  However, to anyone with an eye for the magical, his aura gave off an air of fatigue and ill-health that most mediums knew better than to practice in.

He took a moment to light the candles, holding his lighter briefly over each wick until the flame caught and flared.  Their miniature fire did little to fight back the dimness of the room; they appeared as bright points of light on the verge of being swallowed by darkness.  For a long time Subaru sat stalk still with eyes half-lidded gazing into those flames, as if in meditation; the glow drawing a vague shifting shadow out behind his form.  To the casual observer it would appear as if he had fallen asleep; only his still posture belied this assumption.  Seconds crept by into minutes and still he did not stir.  The silence was utterly complete, interrupted only occasionally by the creaks of the high-rise as it settled.  

The grandfather clock chimed the hour, its clang reverberating through the apartment, shattering the silence with its rhythmic metallic sound.  As the twelfth and final clang died out Subaru opened his eyes fully, his mismatched gaze of emerald and opal stared back at him from the mirror's surface.  Looking away from his glassy reflection, he focused on the wrapped object, reaching out with his right hand to lift it from the table's surface.  Pulling on the woven tie with his free hand, the cloth fell away revealing the ordinate sheath of a ceremonial dagger.

Discarding the cloth and sheath, Subaru set the bare blade back on the table, a set of elaborately brush-stroked characters visibly written down its length.  From beneath the table he produced a shallow dish of water and an elaborately scripted ofuda.  In his right hand he held out the ofuda to the flame, letting the edge alight.  He brought his other hand to reach out over the surface of the water in the bowl, intoning a low chant.  As the ofuda began to burn down, he lifted his left hand away from the bowl allowing the talisman's ashes to dust the surface of the water.  As the ofuda burned down to his fingers he let go, allowing the last vestiges of the paper burn to ash as it fell.  With the talismanic water ready for the purification, Subaru lifted the bowl above the table, and tipped it as it passed over the blade.  Setting aside the dish, he held out his hands over the blade chanting a different string of syllables in a low monotone voice.  The characters along the blade flared briefly and then settled back to their inky black shade.

With the purification done, Subaru wiped the blade with a cloth that had been hidden under the table.  He then picked the blade up, its surface flashing with illumination from the candles.  A single tear traced its way down his cheek, the first he had shed since he had lost the one thing that tied him to his wretched existence.  Mentally he apologized to his sister and Grandmother, knowing they would never have understood his actions this night. Though it had been his sister's intent that the spell would allow him to live, it had only succeeded in giving him a further reason to die.  Placing the blade tip to his heart, he paused for a second, his subconscious mind's survival reaction trying to overpower his conscious mind's irrationality.

Because of that moment's hesitation, Subaru never completed the action.  A piercing screech echoed through the apartment and a dark form dived down at Subaru, ripping through his outer apartment wards as if they were rice paper.  The attack on the shield momentarily stunned him and in that moment the dark form wrenched the dagger from his slack grasp. Subaru fell back from the attack, defensively holding his hands before him.  His movement had upset the table arrangement, causing both mirror and vases to shatter as they hit the floor.  Mentally gathering the frayed edges of his wards, Subaru tried to reform something of a defense in case of a second attack.  The fatigue, however, was taking its toll and the harder he tried to redirect the failing barrier, the more it frayed.

The shikigami glided back toward to balcony's sliding door and deposited the knife into an outstretched hand.  The glass door was now open, a human form silhouetted against the moonlight.  Once more the shikigami circled that end of the room, then swooped to alight on the figure's shoulder.

Subaru stared in incredulity, frantically thinking,_ This can't be...I must be hallucinating due to lack of sleep and stress. This can not in any scope of logic be anything other than a figment of my imagination_.  The cold air blowing in from the balcony doorway prevented him from completely believing that sentiment. He attempted to stand up and face the illusion for what it was.  However, the motion to stand caused his vision to swim and he slumped back to the ground.  Redirecting the wards had drained what little reserves he had had left, leaving him with nothing more than the determination to not pass out.

Bracing himself on his arms, he stared hard at the hardwood floor trying to regain his center of balance.  It was becoming difficult to focus, and the room was beginning to appear rather peculiar.  His ears picked up the sound of approaching footsteps, but his mind was unwilling to process that information into anything resembling action.  It wasn't until a pair of classy dress shoes came into his range of vision that he looked up, wide-eyed, disbelief still evident in his expression. For a brief second, the sixteen-year-old Subaru had surfaced in that eye; the look his face he had had when his life had been turned on its end.

"What is this all about, Subaru-kun?" Shaking his head as he looked down at the Sumeragi, Seishirou smiled reassuringly, his expression a mirror of those from their days of the bet.  Subaru looked downward again and mumbled something unintelligible, the words muffled by tears he was trying so hard to hold back.

Seishirou knelt beside him, tilting his chin back up causing the room to sway suddenly in his vision.  Not needing to hear what Subaru had said, he clearly saw the pain and suffering swirling around in that mismatched gaze.  "Why won't I just let you die? I think you know that answer to that." Cupping Subaru's cheek, he smiled, one much softer than any of his fake smiles, "Besides, what would Hokuto-chan think of this? She would not be happy with either of us if you had succeeded." 

Subaru's consciousness was fading; he found it hard to latch onto Seishirou's words and form any sort of coherent meaning with them.  Though it was impossible to concentrate, he was vainly trying to find reason as to why Seishirou was actually before him…_Seishirou-san had died at Rainbow Bridge….hadn't he?_

As Subaru's vision darkened further, he strangled out a halting and weak, "S-Seishirou-san".  Though he tried to fight it, his fatigue and ill-health finally caught up with him; his eyes glazed over and his supporting arms gave way.  Seishirou caught him as he crumpled to the ground; he was looking worse off than when he had been awake.  His breath was shallow and slow, his skin becoming pallid and clammy.

Seishirou shook his head and shifted to scoop up the prone form of the Sumeragi, cradling Subaru's head against his shoulder.  He noted that, while most people looked relaxed and calm in sleep, Subaru was tense. It was also obvious by his slight form that he had not been taking proper care of himself.  _He is far past both reasonable physical and emotional limits for using spells, _Seishirou thought.

Turning his attention toward the chaotic mess of shattered glass and upturned table, Seishirou's deep voice echoed in the nearly empty apartment, "Perhaps this has gone on long enough.  It should never have gone far enough for you to contemplate this, Subaru-kun." A look of regret passed through his good eye, a momentary flash of gold through honey brown that could have easily been missed.

Picking up the unconscious onmyouji, Seishirou carried him from the sitting room and settled him onto the bed, drawing the covers up.  He sat on the edge of the bed, a silent watchman over his younger counterpart's slumber. Subaru's brow was already creased into a frown, no doubt due to nightmares his subconscious mind was creating.

Seishirou reached over and brushed the hair away from Subaru's eyes, the tension in his face relaxing at the contact; though he noted from that brief contact Subaru was already coming down with a fever.  _He should never have been practicing in this state_, Seishirou thought, recognizing the fever as one of the most common signs of sakanagi.  _If it is this bad from a simple purification spell and maintaining his wards, it is a good thing he didn't try anything more creative than that_.  _He is worse off than I first thought._

Shaking his head once again, Seishirou reached into his pocket, fishing out his cell phone.  He had always found it vaguely amusing that he carried one, since he had no need of it. He did have to admit it came in handy at times. _Like now..._

Flipping the phone open, he dialed a number that he would have never dared forget, a number that brought bitter memories of arguments and strained agreements to mind. The digital buzz rang several times before a tired, elderly voice picked up on the other line. "This is the Kyoto Sumeragi residence."

Smiling to himself he idly wondered at the reaction he was about to receive. "Lady Sumeragi, it has been a while has it not?"

* * *

tsuzuku…


	2. Whispers of the Past

**Kouchi na Uso (An Elaborate Lie)**  
Written by **Jeldi**

Series: X/Tokyo Babylon  
Rating: PG-13/R  
Pairing: S/S

Thanks for the reviews! I've been sitting on this chapter for a long time so here goes. I'm glad you all liked the twist of Seishirou not being dead...but that's only part of it! Enjoy twist #2! . Everything will be explained so enjoy the slight suspense for now. Also spoilers for THE SCENE in vol16, though it is only mentioned in the briefest way possible (since it's one of the most referenced scenes in X fanfiction). You should know the scene already. o

Disclaimer: We all know that these characters belong to CLAMP and they're too busy with Tsubasa & xxxHolic to care what we do with them. This fic is just for entertainment; no profit; yada yada…if you've read any fanfiction, you're familiar with this already.

**Kouchi na Uso – Chapter 2**

Silence reigned on the line for several minutes, broken only by the crackle over the long-distance connection. Seishirou waited patiently for the former head of the clan to collect herself, the silence no doubt due to the suddenness of the call to her private line. "Sakurazuka-_san_," Lady Sumeragi acknowledged after another moment, punctuating the honorific with a cold tone, "To what do I owe this call?"

Seishirou grinned, enjoying this moment despite the news he bore for the previous clan head, stating intentionally harshly, "I thought it imperative to inform you that your grandson just tried to commit suicide." _And I almost wasn't in time to stop him..._Seishirou admitted silently to himself.

"What do you mean by that," she asked, her tone dangerously low, as if daring him to lie to her.

"I didn't think a statement like that required clarification," Seishirou retorted sarcastically, though he obliged her and retold the event that had transpired. Silence once again dominated the phone line, though Seishirou could hear sounds that were suspiciously like sobs. _How unlike the former head...perhaps she is acting more like a grandmother and less like his predecessor, _Seishirou thought.

"Rest assured that he will be fine; he is just unconscious from performing techniques in ill health," Seishirou continued, drowning out the quiet sobs. "However, I am calling an end to this farce; it is of no use now. Call Hokuto-chan and tell her to come back to Tokyo, since you've neglected to allow me contact with her myself." Seishirou sighed exhaustedly, betraying some of his own emotion to the former head by that simple action, then continued, "Both of us have much explaining to do to Subaru-kun."

Lady Sumeragi had recollected herself and sighed in assent, thought there was a slight quaver in her voice, "Very well, I will contact Hokuto-san. We were all aware that it would come to this eventually." The unspoken animosity in her tone implied their arguments on the subject years before.

"_This is folly. It will only succeed in harming Subaru-san even further." The former clan head stated as her nemesis set the emptied teacup down before himself. He taxed her with a serious and grim look, both acknowledging her statement and implying that he was set in this decision._

"_But this might be the only way, Obaa-chama," Hokuto argued, her face conveying the opposite of Seishirou's stoic expression, "I don't want to do this anymore than you or Sei-chan does, but Subaru won't acknowledge anyone." (1) The elder Sumeragi flinched at the use of Hokuto's nickname for their enemy as Hokuto continued speaking, "He sits there in his room lost within himself. Not even my voice reaches him."_

"_Even if he does wake on his own, the Promised Day will come regardless. Subaru-kun will not survive with his kindness and selflessness," Seishirou continued for Hokuto. "Fate had decided that we are to be on opposing sides of the battle. What would be worse for him, betrayal now or nine years from now?"_

"_However, what you are planning is..." Lady Sumeragi began stating before Hokuto cut her off._

"_Is the best thing we can think of. We can't go back to how things were even if we wanted to." She glanced at Seishirou, having been told of the events that transpired in the maboroshi. "Subaru will be in danger if he doesn't cage his emotions and expand his abilities for the future. And I will be in danger if the other side knows that I am a weakness for one of the Dragons of Heaven."_

_The former head looked sternly at Seishirou, refraining from starting another argument pertaining to the loophole in her granddaughter's reasoning. The young girl's trust for the family's enemy was absolute; not even the revealing of this man as their mortal enemy had flagged that support._

"_If you are absolutely sure this is what you must do, I will not stop you," The elder Sumeragi stated grudgingly._

"I will leave it up to you, Lady Sumeragi," Seishirou stated. He depressed the button, effectively disconnecting the phone connection to Kyoto. All he had left to do was be patient and wait now that the necessary phone call to the Sumeragi household was made.

He rose from Subaru's bedside, and moved back out into the living room to survey the damage. The shattered remains of ceramics and mirror glistened from the lighting through the windows; salt and herb leaves were scattered from their containers across the wooden floorboards. He walked over and kneeled by the mess, righting the small table and placed the salvageable items atop it. Rising, he walked over to the closet Hokuto used to keep the broom and dustpan in, to find they in fact remained there. Returning to the center of the room with the tools, he moved the table to a far wall and swept up the shattered fragments.

Once the room was returned to a clean state and everything returned to their proper places, he returned to the bedroom and sat watching over Subaru. Time blurred as he quietly watched over the sleeping onmyouji. It appeared that Subaru's dreams had gradually lapsed into something more pleasant; his brows were no longer furrowed and the tension his face had held was now gone.

_The eventuality of this scenario was inevitable, _Seishirou thought. However, it was something that Seishirou had not intended to deal with so soon after his "death". The despair and suffering Subaru had endured was still fresh, the raw edges of that wound easily susceptible to pain. Looking down at Subaru's prone form, Seishirou knew how close he had come to losing something precious himself. _And eye for an eye, as it were..._He would have been living those same feelings himself, had he _not_ been in time to stop the Sumeragi.

Broken out of his reverie by the intercom buzzing, he rose from the edge of the bed and headed out of the bedroom, intuiting whom it would likely be. Looking back as he reached the doorjamb, he cast a glance back toward Subaru, his form engulfed by blankets and his skin pallid except for the slight flush of his fever. Seishirou had a feeling he was going to have a lot of explaining to do for this particular newcomer.

Going into the kitchen he peered at the small inset screen. Sure enough, Hokuto was standing there, obviously upset and fuming. In all likelihood, Lady Sumeragi had not found it fit to tell Hokuto-chan exactly what had happened; he could see it in the manner she was holding herself. _Perhaps she intends dealing with an upset and irate Hokuto-chan as a bit of retribution against me._ He and Lady Sumeragi had never gotten along since this entire farce had begun; they merely tolerated one another. Not even bothering with the receiver, he headed back out to the front door, and opened it fully to Hokuto's glare and crossed arms.

"What's going on, Sei-chan?!" she screeched immediately, obviously having worried herself by contemplating every possible reason for the call, "Obaa-chan didn't tell me anything! She just told me to get on the first train back to Tokyo to go to Subaru; that you would be waiting at the apartment."

"Hokuto-chan, calm down and lower you voice," Seishirou admonished. "Is that anyway to greet someone you haven't seen in nearly nine years?" he continued, trying to lighten the mood.

Hokuto obviously did not want to have anything of it, "Don't try to change the subject, Sei-chan! Four hours! Four hours on a train with no clue of what is going on! I think I'm entitled to be a bit upset!" Her eyes had taken on a scared look, though her gaze didn't reflect her inner emotions nearly to the degree Subaru's always had, "Did something happen to Subaru?"

"He is asleep right now," Seishirou stated, attempting to evade her question. She looked at him skeptically, her expression stating that she knew he was trying to avoid a straight answer. Old habits die hard apparently... he thought. "Subaru-kun will be fine. He is just weak and exhausted. I'll explain everything after you have seen him." He moved to the side and motioned her further inside. She obliged, closing the front door and taking off her shoes. As she reached for a pair of guest slippers in the side cabinet, Seishirou took that opportunity to quickly grab the small set of luggage she had packed in her haste to catch the first train from Kanazawa to Tokyo.

Not needing to be led, she headed straight for Subaru's bedroom and walked through the open doorway. Seishirou ghosted her footsteps, setting her bags just inside the hallway by entryway as he followed. Seishirou remained silent as he joined the elder Sumeragi twin by her brother's side, watching her as she looked down at her brother's flushed sleeping face. Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked up and toward Seishirou beginning, "Sei-chan, why was he using..."

He cut her off with a shake of the head and then said softly, "This isn't the place for this discussion. Asleep he may be, but he can still hear us on a subconscious level. He doesn't need 'ghosts' from the past plaguing his dreams as well." Turning back and walking to the door, he waited for Hokuto to follow after she took one last look at Subaru's sleeping features.

They both headed across the hallway to the kitchen, Hokuto trying hard to hold her tongue. As they reached the entryway to the kitchen Seishirou turned and offered, "Would you like some milk tea? It seems that is all Subaru-kun has been living off of for a while." She acquiesced, taking a seat on one of the high-backed chairs at the counter. She stared at his back as he set water to heat up, waiting until he turned back toward her to ask what she feared. "What did Subaru try to do?"

Seeing the look she gave him, he sighed, "You noticed that the reason he is unconscious is because he wasn't in good enough health to being performing any spells." He paused until he saw her nod, "I had suspected something from his behavior this evening when I checked in on him through my shikigami. He might have succeeded in killing himself last night if not for that." He waited for the imminent explosion, silently cursing Lady Sumeragi for giving him the responsibility of telling Hokuto.

"He tried to do WHAT?!" she shouted, her screech echoing through the apartment. She had jumped up, upsetting the chair she had previously occupied and leaned heavily on the counter, disbelief in her widened eyes.

Not even flinching at her sharpness, he looked toward the open kitchen door and admonished, "Hokuto-chan, try to keep your voice down." He then met her look evenly and conjectured, "I think we were a bit too thorough in the creation of this farce. I suspect Subaru had never intuited that any of this was false, and he finally tried to take his own life on that premise." He then turned away, pulling the tealeaves and strainer out of the cabinet.

As Seishirou pulled two glasses from the upper cabinet and dusted them off with a dishcloth, Hokuto righted the chair and began pacing the length of the kitchen, fuming in a high-pitched hushed voice, "What was he thinking?! When he wakes up I'm going to give him the lecture of his life! He's is going to regret ever having conceived of the idea!"

Seishirou watched all of this from the counter, pouring water and cream through the tealeaf strainer into the two glasses, not caring to comment until her rant had reached its end. As her voice reached muttering level he chose to counter her idea, saying, "Somehow, I don't think your twenty-five year old brother will be as receptive to a lecture as he was when he was sixteen. He might be the one to lecture you for a change...among worse possibilities."

She stopped dead in her tracks, realizing that she didn't know what to expect from her brother, who she had been estranged from for nine years. She had gotten letters from their grandmother, telling her how Subaru was doing, but she had never consciously realized the implications of their plans on her relationship with her twin.

Seishirou placed the tea on the counter, motioning for Hokuto to sit back down. "There is a great deal you do not know that has transpired. When was the last time you had heard from Lady Sumeragi?"

Hokuto slowly walked back to the counter, thinking. As she sat back down, she sighed and then said, "I think the last letter I received was about Subaru being in the hospital because of a battle." Counting on her blue enamel-tipped fingers, she frowned, "That was about two months ago."

Making a face she continued, "Grandmother doesn't really give me much information. I don't even know why he was in the hospital. She say's it is because she doesn't want anyone intercepting a letter and finding out that I am still alive. She has also been having a harder time sending information with the Promised Day close at hand; the entire household is extremely secure, so it is hard for her to slip letters through."

Seishirou, always one to know what was logical, nodded in agreement, arguing for the former head's caution, "I can see why she wanted it that way. It was the best way to insure that no one found out about this, Subaru-kun especially. If you had known why he _was_ in the hospital you would have been back in Tokyo a lot sooner. Unfortunately, the Lady Sumeragi's actions have also been to a disadvantage. You grandmother neglected to tell you many things, among them what transpired a week past."

"What happened?" she asked, the statement forced since she knew she would not like the answer. Crossing her arms, she charged him with a full vengeful look, emerald gaze flaring, waiting for him to continue.

Seishirou returned her gaze evenly as he set his glass down on the counter. Raising that same hand before his face, he drew them both into a maboroshi, the kitchen's surfaces fading into darkness. Hokuto instinctively rose from her seat as it disappeared and tensed, despite the fact she knew there was no threat in his action.

A scene was unfolding below their feet, making them appear weightless hovering above the steel supports. Dusk had fallen over the steel and concrete structure of Rainbow Bridge. There was no traffic, as the bridge had been closed due to the tremors plaguing the metropolis' foundations. A lone figure was visible, standing at the very center of the bridge's twin suspension supports. Hokuto looked on, realization replacing her previous anger. "Sei-chan...this was the site of..."

"A kekkai battle, yes. And the two that participated in this battle were Subaru-kun and myself," Seishirou completed for her, as his illusionary self met Subaru down on the bridge below. Though the forms were much too far away to possibly hear clearly, the script unfolded perfectly to her ears. She watched in appalled silence as the recent past unfurled itself before her, took in every detail and willed herself not to cry out.

The brother Hokuto had once known could not be the one that stood before them in this illusion; a person full of pain and sorrow who wanted nothing more than to die. She folded in on herself, hugging her arms to her chest tightly to prevent herself from trembling. "Why?" she asked to no one in particular, her voice quivering with checked emotion. "How could this have happened?" She glanced at Seishirou, a single tear escaping and leaving a wet trail in its wake.

"I see that your grandmother neglected to tell you many things. Subaru-kun never forgave me for your 'death'," Seishirou sighed, motioning with his hands and causing the maboroshi to fade as it had appeared. As the kitchen came back into sharp relief, Hokuto reached for the back of the chair to steady herself and Seishirou continued, "And he also never forgave himself...for many things."

Hokuto looked up at the older man, worry starting to crease her brow. "Many things?" She sat on the chair and reached out tentatively to take the briefly forgotten tea glass.

Sighing, Seishirou leaned forward on the counter. "Subaru-kun was always worried about his decisions and whether they would affect those around him. Even though he affected coldness and denied that he cared, that aspect of his personality has never changed." He paused, letting his words sink in briefly before continuing, "I doubt he ever forgave himself for letting you 'die'. He blames himself for your death...thinking that you died because of the decisions he had or had not made in time. And time was not able to heal that wound, though we expected it to."

"And his blind eye?" Hokuto questioned, locking gazes with Seishirou.

" 'Kamui' said that was one of his wishes. I hazard to guess that wish was due to the guilt Subaru harbored from this," Seishirou said, indicating his own blind eye.

Hokuto broke their gaze first and stared at her glass, reflecting on the scene from within the maboroshi. The brother she had known was a fleeting memory in comparison to the distant young man that had stood below on the bridge. It was hard to find the wistful youth in that pain-ridden mismatched gaze. She shivered at the thought of having to face this disillusioned Subaru.

Breaking her from her train of thought, Seishirou continued, "He also, in all likelihood, hasn't forgiven himself for falling in love with me. He still believes that he lost the bet." He looked at her regretfully, "His words on Rainbow Bridge were enough to prove that."

"Well, if this is how Subaru reacted," she stated matter-of-factly, "there's no choice but for us to have a serious discussion with him and have everything out in the open." She looked pointedly at Seishirou as he cleaned up the ingredients from tea making, "And that also means you can't be evasive anymore. You have to tell him the truth."

She sighed and raised a hand to rub at her temples. This was going to be the start of a very long day. It was a bad enough shock for Subaru to find out that Seishirou was not dead. She could not begin to fathom what his reaction would be to her false death. But it wasn't as if they could turn back the clock this late in time.

Though her return was under depressing circumstances, she chose to feign normalcy. "At least he's not denying the fact that he loves you anymore. We just have to get the forgiveness part worked out." She stood then, leaving her empty tea glass on the counter.

"It might be asking to much for him to be as forgiving as he used to be," Seishirou said in response, as she walked toward the kitchen's exit.

She stopped at the door frame and turned, trying on her best smile, though it was still strained around the edges, "All right, enough of this morbid train of thought...we'll handle it when it comes. Are you coming?" she asked, tilting her head.

Seishirou dropped the towel with which he had been cleaning onto the glassy tiled surface. "Where, if I may ask?" he inquired as he came from behind the counter and followed her out to the apartment's entryway.

"Well, first things first, I can't have my brother starving now, can I? So, we'll start with grocery shopping." Hokuto stated matter-of-factly, trading the slippers back for her shoes. Seishirou followed suit and then moved to the side, opening the door for her. Though he knew that she was affecting her old-time chipper mask to handle this volatile situation, Seishirou made no comment.

Her smile grew bigger, gaining in familiarity to the mischievous grins she had always shown before, "Didn't I tell you to take care of him, Sei-chan?" Then rolling her eyes dramatically, she said, "You men, you never know what you are supposed to do."

She continued berating Seishirou as if they hadn't spent the last nine years apart as the door clicked shut behind their diminishing footsteps.

---------------------------

(1) - Hokuto uses the term O-baa-chama to refer to their grandmother. It is a combination of –sama and –chan used by younger children to imply a "cuteness" to the honorific -sama.


	3. Truth and Lies

**Kouchi na Uso (An Elaborate Lie)  
**Written by **Jeldi**

**Series:** X/Tokyo Babylon  
**Rating:** T  
**Pairing:** S/S

Spoilers up to volume 16…déjà vu anyone?

Author's Note: I didn't die and I'm still writing fanfiction (and going to participate for NaNoWriMo 2008). Thanks to everyone who posted comments for this fanfic so far – you're kind words have helped to motivate me. I hope this doesn't disappoint!

**Disclaimer:** We all know that these characters belong to CLAMP. This fic is just for entertainment; no profit; yada yada...it's great that CLAMP allows us to torment their characters…otherwise I'd have to make my own…oh wait, I do that too.

Kouchi na Uso – Chapter 3

_Dreams were normally a tormenting affair for Subaru, always being plagued with pain and suffering; an everlasting catalyst to who he had become. _

_Never being able to forgive..._

_...and never being able to forget._

_But no dreams had yet come to cause anguish this evening. No dreams that he had recalled at least. Had he succeeded? Was this actually the afterlife? He never really knew what spirits saw after death, even though it was his job to help them pass on. It was assumed that it there would be more than the featureless dark landscape akin to his dreams. _

_Even now he felt fatigued, as if life's worries still placed their weight upon him. If he were dead, wouldn't his turmoil finally be at peace?_

_Perhaps this was a dream, after all. A blessed dream with no hurt, no betrayal, and no pain._

_Perhaps he should never wake up._

_Something was tugging at his consciousness, though he was deep within, too far gone to react; a murmuring of conversation coming from a place outside of the void. The sound soothed him, yet it also gave a persisting sense of unrest. With a sinking feeling, Subaru knew now that he was only dreaming, and the brief respite from those memories was already fading._

_Slowly that slow, soft murmur died down to nothing and Subaru drifted off into a deeper slumber, still wishing this dreamless sleep would never end._

A cool feeling settled on his forehead and a moment later his sleep-muzzled mind registered the sound of a door creaking as it closed, causing him to slowly surface from his slumber. Lying still as he came groggily awake Subaru felt as if he had awoken from a coma. His muscles were stiff and responded lethargically to even the smallest shift. Slitting his eyes against the sunlight streaming through the open shades of the windows, his altered depth perception caused the light playing across the off-white ceiling to appear planar. As he watched those myriad ever-changing patterns, he tried to piece together why he was in bed and still asleep at mid-day. His mind, however, still refused to communicate the lapse of time between the previous evening and present.

As he sat up, a damp cloth fell into his lap from where it had rested on his forehead. He looked at it briefly, lost as to a reason why it was there, then leaned forward and rubbed his temples where a persistent headache was forming. The cool massage against those pressure points helped to ease the dull pain. As he dropped his hand away from his face, his bare skin reminding him of that same pale hands covered in crimson; those hands that seemed forever stained with the blood of his loved one, though it had long been washed away. As his mind awakened further, he gaze shifted from his hand and traveled up the length of his arm.

_Pajamas? I've never owned any like this…even when I was sixteen_, he stated while creasing his brow in confusion. Sure enough, though, Subaru was clothed in pajamas, a little more subdued than something his sister would have picked out for him had she still been alive. Not wanting to lose himself to that loneliness, he forced his thoughts away from Hokuto and back to the present.

Taking one step at a time and focusing on the task of getting out of bed he turned and swung his legs out from under the covers. As he started to get up from the bed, his gaze fell on the other occupant in the room who had, until that point, went completely unnoticed. He let out a surprised gasp; his legs immediately gave out causing him to fall back to the mattress. Curled up in the chair across from him, his long-dead sister was serenely dozing. Having roused her with his commotion, she began to stir. Stretching out her kinked muscles, she was muttering something about accidentally falling asleep in uncomfortable chairs, not realizing her supposedly sleeping patient was awake.

Finding his voice, Subaru managed a stifled, disbelieving, "N-nee-san?"

Startled by the sudden speech in the otherwise quiet room, Hokuto started momentarily before looking toward her brother in surprise. Not getting a vocal response from his twin, Subaru tried again, his voice gaining in steadiness, "Hokuto-chan? Am I dead?"

A look of guilt shot across her emerald gaze, and she simply shook her head saying in an uncharacteristically flat voice, "No, you're not, Subaru." She got up and went over to the bed, smoothing out the tails of her blazer before sitting down beside him and resting an arm protectively across his shoulders.

He looked at her, not quite sure how it could be that he was not dead and yet she was solid. "Then…how?" his voice wavered with confusion. He felt her tense, and then hug him slightly before turning to face toward him.

"There is something that we have to talk about…" she began, to be interrupted by the door creaking open again, Seishirou carrying a tray laden with breakfast dishes. He paused as Subaru's eye went wide. He tensed under Hokuto's arm as silence once again in the room, the trio at a standstill.

Subaru's stomach twisted with the pang of betrayal as Hokuto broke the silence with an exasperated sigh and motioned Seishirou to come inside the room, she said, "Sei-chan…you don't need to stand there like a statue. Come in and set the tray down…" Pausing, she looked toward Subaru, who in turn was eyeing Seishirou suspiciously as he pushed the door completely open and set the tray down on the desk across the room. He casually leaned against the desk, maintaining a "safe" distance from the twins across the room. Subaru did not think it was a far enough distance.

Hokuto began, "Subaru..."

Steeling himself, Subaru voiced his thoughts aloud cutting off what Hokuto was about to say to him, a slight bit of venom creeping into his tone, "Would one of you care to explain why the two of you are here if I'm not dead?" He brushed his sister's arm off and got up, stepping warily back a few paces and positioning himself with his back toward the picture window, away from both of them. Hokuto looked startled at his reaction; Seishirou merely regarded him in his usual passive disinterest. Hokuto had probably never seen him so defensive, ready to either fight or take flight at the slightest provocation. Then again, there was a lot that his sister did not know about him these days.

"I believe that Hokuto-chan was beginning to tell you as I came in. Shall she continue what she was saying," Seishirou interjected, keeping his voice neutral. Subaru shot a glare toward him, doubled in animosity when Hokuto looked toward Seishirou in thanks.

"Subaru, you've been weak and asleep for three days. You'll probably take this a lot better if we all sit down and talk like the adults we are," she said, gesturing to her recently vacated armchair off to his side of the room.

He continued to stand where he was and replied formally as if talking to strangers, "I think I would prefer to stand given the circumstances."

"All right, then you need to promise me that you'll hear this out to the end," Hokuto countered, trying to keep frustration out of her voice, "Please?"

Subaru nodded his head in affirmation, though he didn't relax a fraction. He would hear them out, if only for the confirmation that he had not gone insane and was talking to a hallucination.

Hokuto shifted uneasily and looked earnestly at Subaru, "We need to clear up what truly happened in 1990." Subaru was already getting uneasy at the mention of that time. "But first, we need to know what _you_ think happened."

Subaru almost wanted to laugh in contempt, but his checked anger kept him from it. As if they didn't know what he believed. "Seishirou-san betrayed me, destroyed who I was and killed you. Though I can see the last point is now irrelevant. Don't forget the added torment, pain and suffering for the next nine years. I never learned to trust anyone but myself since then."

Subaru briefly wondered how they were reacting to this outburst. He saw that Hokuto was unsettled, which brought on feelings of both remorse and malice; sadness that cruelty to his sister was wrong even though he thought she was long dead; malice for the fact that she had obviously lied and left him alone without his other half. _I said I'd listen,_ he thought, _I didn't say I'd make it easy. _Seishirou, on the other hand, was maintaining his mask of indifference though the mask was flawed with slight surprise at the forwardness of Subaru's response.

"Sei-chan, you need to start with the bet. Subaru has the right to know why it ended the way it did." She looked toward the man, silently watching the tension rising between the two.

"Very well," Seishirou started, reassuming his indifference, "I admit that there was a certain interest I had in the bet. I originally expected the year to end and resume life as it had been. As time passed, the bet had given a new flair to my rather monotonous existence. I was reluctant to end it and could not find a logical explanation as to why."

He looked at Subaru pointedly, "The truth, if you choose to accept it, is that I didn't know _how_ I felt. And my reaction to that reluctance was anger, which was directed at you in the maboroshi nine years ago." Subaru reacted subconsciously to grip his right arm, felt the phantom snap and grating of bone on bone. Even Hokuto looked a bit green from memories of seeing her brother bashed and bruised.

"Regardless, the bet was over and per the rules I was to make a decision," Seishirou continued. "I said that I had won, but words are only words, especially spoken out of anger and spite. Call the end of the bet a stalemate, if you will. Do you remember what your reward would have been had _you_ won?"

Subaru replayed the words through his mind of that fateful meeting within the maboroshi. _After a year, if I think of you as "special", it is your win and..."_

"…_I will not kill you."_

Subaru looked toward Seishirou, his mouth agape as if to reply, but no response came. He reached out to grip the chair Hokuto had earlier offered, a small point of stability in a world that was quickly becoming quite chaotic. He had taken Seishirou's win and cruelty at face value, not even considering the fact that he was still alive after all these years. He looked down, seeing the marks still prominent on the backs of his hands. _All this time and the answer was right there... a mouse slipping through the talons of a hawk and able to survive._

"You do realize that I never initiated an attack on you after that day, Subaru-kun?" Startling Subaru even more, his looked back up to see a half smile on Seishirou's face. Hokuto was watching the two in silence, knowing that there was nothing she could to ease the tension between them. "Everything I ever did was in self defense to _your_ attacks. Fate was cruel to pit us against one another for the Promised Day, but this would have been crueler yet if you had still been naïve and innocent. Hence, the reason we chose this deception."

Refusing to be put off-balance by the unexpected revelation, Subaru glowered at the older man. "Explaining it wouldn't have been enough!?" He was fuming, still not believing they would have went to these lengths just because of something to happen nine years in the future.

"Would you have believed it? What we did was the best way to insure your survival. You would never have become as powerful without something driving you to do so." Seishirou replied, still in that unnervingly calm manner. Hokuto nodded in agreement.

Subaru started to object to Seishirou's statement when Hokuto cut him off. "Subaru, Sei-chan and I realized while you were Within yourself, that the person you were would not be strong enough to handle 1999, especially if you always had us to rely on. Sei-chan knew that you would be enemies in the fight, though the details were still foggy even to him. And I knew that if I were still close to you, I would be a liability and a target. Do you honestly think that we _wanted _to do this in the first place?"

Subaru was still barely containing his emotions, his eyes reflecting all the hurt and betrayal of the last nine years ten-fold. "So, you would rather have had me lose everything I held precious? I lost Seishirou-san once, then lost you Hokuto-chan. Then again, I had to face losing Seishirou-san…all for a masquerade!?"

"Subaru…we knew that you would be hurt," Hokuto said, reflecting nothing of her former self who would have jumped for joy at his half-confession of feelings. Instead she was looking down at her hands and forcing them to stop making wrinkles in the hem of her jacket and continued, "But we also thought that those wounds would heal over time. Obaa-chan tried to get you to see that…but you refused to listen to anything she said on the matter."

The floodgate on his emotions finally let loose, Subaru was close to screaming at both of them. "Listen to what?! The last nine years has been a lie, all of it! I've suffered from those lies more than a normal person would in a full lifetime! And in case you didn't notice, I finally had enough and tried to kill myself!" Subaru's eye reflected an anger that not even Hokuto had seen before. Turning away from both of them, he set his jaw and in a monotone voice lacking the volume yet just as venomous, stated, "Get out."

"Subaru…" Hokuto began, getting up from the mattress and taking a tentative step towards him.

"I said 'get out'." He was visually beginning to tremble with the severe control it took to supress his anger and prevent him from physically lashing out; his hands balled into fists so tight that his fingernails would have bit into the skin of his palm had they been long enough.

"Hokuto-chan…now is not the time to argue. He has a lot to digest for the moment. Leave him be for a while." Seishirou advised, walking over toward her and directing her towards the bedroom door with a hand on the small of her back. Subaru held his ridged stance until he heard the door click shut, both presences out of the room. Failing to hold out any longer, he turned and slumped against the wall beside the armchair. Sliding down its flat surface to a sitting position, he drew up his knees and buried his face in his arms.

Feeling like his entire reality has been turned on its side yet again, he adamantly refused to succumb to tears. He sought to calm his emotions and realize what was really bothering him about the revelation. _Finding out that Hokuto-chan and Seishirou-san are both alive is shock enough, but to also have everything surrounding their deaths be fake..._ Emotions warred within him; elation and revulsion fighting for supremacy over his thoughts. Though part of his mind was glad neither of them was truly dead, he could not accept what had been done. The ache of betrayal plagued his heart once again, ripping open a wound that had never healed.

_They were concerned about you and did what they thought would be best for you. You're being over-sensitive_, a voice in the back of his mind chided him. He chose to ignore that voice as he uncurled and stood up. Moving over to the closet and opening the doors, he chose some clothing randomly coming up with black jeans and a black mock turtleneck. It was his standard fair in clothing, aside from the turtleneck having zippers that ran the length of his forearms on both sleeves and the double buckle across one upper arm. Karen had bought it on a whim as a gift, having found it in a store that one of her co-worker shopped at frequently, saying that she thought it would suit him. Removing his pajamas, he changed quickly, set on leaving the apartment to clear his mind.

Closing the closet door, he checked himself once-over and then stepped over to open the door to his bedroom. Causiously opening the door quietly and peering out, he noticed the sitting room door ajar. _I'm not ready to deal with them yet. Maybe later, but not now..._he thought as he continued toward the door and stooped to put on and lace up his boots. Two more pairs accentuated the otherwise vacant entryway, Seishirou's classy dress shoes and a pair of Hokuto's royal blue ankle-boots. Shaking his head, again assuring himself that he would not think about it yet, he rose to leave. Pausing to open the small built-in wall cabinet, he retrieved his wallet, pager and keys. Not even bothering to grab a coat, he opened the front door.

The door at the opposite end of the hall creaked further open and Hokuto's panicked face appeared demanding, "Where are you going?"

Not turning around Subaru replied in a voice lacking the anger and volume from before, "Just…don't talk to me Hokuto-chan…I have to sort things out. And don't follow me." With that he passed through the doorway and closed the door softly, but firmly behind him.


End file.
